After the Fact

It's been a while since I last posted anything. Since the trip, my life has been a whirl wind of blessings. Tonight I lay in be reflecting on the trip and how wonderful God has been.
So many thoughts and memories return to my mind. I miss Africa in ways not a lot of people can relate to, of they've never experienced overseas missions, especially Africa.
Many people have said or thought that people in Africa are "more" hungry for God and truth than in America.  That's a lie. Or an excuse. Americans tend to mask their hunger and look for other things to "satisfy" them. When it wares off, they immediately look for another fix. It doesn't necessarily mean they do drugs, they just find a way to hide it. They put on a mask. A mask that hides their sadness. Or their anger. All their feeling and want.
After a trip to a 3rd world country, you begin to see people differently. Missions will do that to you. You don't look at someone and think "oh, she's this and he's that", instead you think "theres a soul. There's a soul. There's another."  you want to go up to people sometimes and say, "it'll be alright" or offer them prayer. When I go to school I often think, I wonder if they'll ever know what I know. Sometimes it breaks my heart.  then I think, that's what I'm here for!! To make sure they do know wha I know.
Tanzania was a place I'll never forget. I look back thinking about how God kept trying to speak to me and I wouldn't let him. I was battling within myself. Thinking I knew everything. I didn't. And still don't.
I thought I knew exactly what God has called me to do and by golly I was going to do it. I didn't want to except that, what If I was wrong. He dealt with me so long just to give it over to him. Let his plan rule, not mine.
I remember, before the trip I was having horrible medical issues. Pain in my stomach that'd send me to the emergency room. It started a month before our departure. It had me so down and out. I battled everyday. Fearful. Full of anxiety. I never had anxiety in my life until that happend. I was under attack. My mind went back and forth, should I go? Should I go to Africa?
Then one night while desperately praying to God for an answer, I told him that I don't need an answer. I was going. I was going to rely on him no matter the cost. Because the cost of a soul is much greater. That missions was my heartbeat and there was nothing else I wanted to do. So I prepared and got better. I was still terrified of what was to come with my body and traveling to such a foreign place. I always thought I trusted God, but I never knew how much trusting him took until I had to. It was so hard.
The day of the departure I felt the Lord speak to my heart. He said to me, "don't worry about anything that happens, I have it in control." it threw me so off guard, so I shrugged it off thinking, I'm better and improbably made it up. Not half an hour later, the pain came back. I was terrified and sat in te bathroom in tears. Then he spoke it to me again. And I was peaceful.
We finally left an we were on our way. Once we got to Addis Ababa I was feeling horrible. Nerves and sickness reigning over me like a chronic disease. A few prayed over me. I felt better and drank some water. Indefinitely had a touch from God and felt the sickness and nerves leave.
Another girl was sick right after I felt better. So I felt the urge to go pray over her. I shrugged it off thinking, im in an airport! What will people think!? And is this God? And it was like he said GO PRAY! I argued I was also sick... And I felt the response of, didn't I heal you? Again, I felt like this was all on my brain.
I finally got up. Walked over to her and laid my head up to hers and grabbed her hand. Told her to pray for me a d I'd pray for her. I felt a surge in the Holy Ghost and prayed hard and loud in tongues. It was terrifying but he also got better.
The entire trip I battled and fought the voice of God.
During services I wanted so desperately to pray with people and feel that same urge I felt at the airport. But I couldn't. Not until I gave something up.
I had to completely put my trust in him and give up my personal plans I had laid out so perfectly.
I finally felt a little bit of release. But my mind was bogged with questions of, if I am supposed to give wanting to do missions over to God, then what am I supposed to do? He knows that my hearts desire, why would he take it away? What's the next step in my life? And many more....
In church I had some great peace. And witnessed amazing acts of God that totally built my faith in him.
One special situation was a little boy. His story begins likes this....
In the church I saw a young girl, probably 5, crying. A few AYCers and the translator was praying with her. I stood back and prayed God would give her what she needed. Deliverer healing and salvation. Afterward she told the translator that she believed God had healed her from pain and disease. She then asked we pray for her brother, who was bit by something unknown and his hand had swollen up. So we did. Little did we know, he was in the church service outside.
Once she left to go tell her mother what God did I sat down on the wooden church pew. I started thinking about how wonderful God is and before I knew it I felt such an overwhelming spirit of the Holy Ghost come over me.
I prayed for a while and cried and worshipped. My eyes had been closed. And I felt a hand grab my hand that was raised. I didn't bother to open my eyes, I thought someone was praying with me.
Then I felt a small body lean up again my left side and I felt a small little hand being out into my left hand. I opened my eyes and saw this little African boy leaning again me, crying and his swollen hand in my hand. The translator looked at me and simply said,  "Pray."
I closed my hand over his and held it tight as the translator and an AYCer laid their hands onto mine.
I prayed a d pleased God to heal him in everyway I could think. Then I felt a longing inside me, and I prayed to the God of mercy and salvation that if he didn't heal him, that he'd fill him with the holy Ghost and save his soul.
I opened my eyes and my hand and saw only his middle finger was swollen. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I looked to the two other praying as of to ask of they saw it too. He said he didn't hurt anymore and felt better. After that, all I could do was cry. I cried for so long. And the little boy sat there next to me and held my hand and leaned against me. I continued to pray blessings on his life. I felt such an attachment to him.
The next day. Sunday morning, he was filled with the Holy Ghost. As was his mother and little sister!
God. Is. Real. And amazing. So amazing.

The last day we spent time at the church reflecting. God used us in many ways. We saw healings deliverances and salvation everywhere we looked.
I sat in the pew an prayed. Then I sat in silence. Wondering. Why wouldn't God answer me?! What am I supposed to do?!
I was so upset and frustrated, more than anything, I wants to be used in missions. And I was afraid God had a different plan.
I sat there and finally after all my questions had been asked I felt like God spoke to my heart again.
"Listen."
And I did.
I heard many of my AYC members seeking God with tears and tongues. It touched me.
Then he said, "I am calling them, like I have called you."
I sat there and cried again. I kept asking, what am I called for? Missions?
I desperately wishes God would give me a solid answer.
Then, sister Johnson from Rwanda came to me and grabbed my hand and said "Trust in the Lord and he will direct your paths"
That was my answer.
I just neede to trust him. He knew best.

He still knows best.